It has been almost 7 months since we said goodbye to Fred. I knew the grief of losing him was going to irrevocably change me. I knew it would dampen my love of this world...and that everything would look and feel dull.
What I didn't expect was that photography, the tool I used to reframe the world around me....the tool I use to remind me of the potential that exists...that that tool was so strongly tied to Fred, that the mere thought of using it has become quite painful.
Photography was the first medium I feel deeply in love with. It has been part of my creativity and wellbeing arsenal for well over a decade. And even with the limitations that come from my brain injury, it was a flexible enough medium that I was able to use it to see the joy in my daily life.
In hindsight I realize for the last 6 years, the majority of my photography work has been documenting my day to day life and the role our pups play in it. No wonder Luther (my camera) has been sitting gathering dust for months. It hurts to look through the viewfinder and not see Fred. To not be documenting his handsome chaotic loving self.
All of this to say I miss our boy in so very many ways. And that is perfectly normal to grieve in unexpected ways.