Getting out of my own head

Im realizing that my blog posts function more as a journal entry for me than anything else. They force me to take my experiences and feelings, put them into words...and get out of my own head. So bear with me as I exorcize some demons today. Last night was a horrible...most agonizing and terrifying of nights. We brought our baby boy Fred from the ER...and he just got progressively worse throughout the night. His fever wouldn't break, his nausea was out of control, he could barely stand and needed to have his 70 lb self carried out to do his business, he kept having diarrhea accidents while laying down... and patiently tolerated butt wipes by his pawrents. And then there was the falling out of bed disoriented incident at 0400 am.

We all spent the night awake keeping an eye on him waiting for the morning to arrange an end of life visit at home with his veterinarian. Gordon and I are all cried out and barely functioning And then this morning Gord went to pick up the boy to take him out and Fred was like "I got dhis"...."No I don't want to wander the backyard....I wanna go for a full neighborhood patrol"....and he was still drooly and nauseous but his ears perked up when we asked if he wanted any snackos.....and we won't mention his drunken dog stagger wag and smiles when he went out to say hello to his kitty buddies today. The little Shit. I love him so much. Tomorrow was supposed to be chemo round 2....but I have a feeling it will be a discussion about palliative care and end of life. I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that I can't fix this for him or keep his symptoms under control. I want this to not be happening...Bertha is raging today....im so dizzy, confused and struggling...I have made so many mistakes I can't tell when I am doing things the right way. And Bertha has the wheel firmly in her grip. She loves Fred and may have had a yelling cussing session due to some veterinary issues. So I'm going to go cuddle with my baby...and hope today continues to be a good day...and the same tomorrow....and maybe the day after that if we are lucky.