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Failing at micro managing Grief

Like many people out there, I am an over thinker that analyzes everything and tries to plan for every eventuality. In my old life as an ICU nurse it was a valuable trait, for me and my patients. It is also how I have been able to survive some of lifes very hard knocks; because I imagined and prepared for the worst case scenarios before they happened. (I'm that person that has backup plans A through Z). Now, I wouldnt advise being like me...don't be like me. It is not a good way to be. I learned very early in life to use this as an adaptive strategy because there were large parts of my childhood that were uncertain and out of control. And this pattern of trying to minimize uncertainty by planning for every eventuality, this tendency is dysfunctional and what my doc patiently reminds me it is part if my anxiety disorder and perfectionistic traits. So I know it....the cerebral part of me absolutely gets it. Which is why it is so frustrating that my brain is stuck and dwelling on how to manage Carmela's wellbeing after Fred eventually passes from his Histiocytic Sarcoma. She has been his shadow from about Day 3 after she joined our family. She learned to play from him....she learned about snackos and peanut butter....about kissing...and snuggling...and toys. If they have been apart for any length of time she twirls and hops and kisses him in his face.

I am so anxious trying to figure out how to make this easy on her I'm driving myself mad. Trying to come up with a strategy to make this transition as easy on her as possible. And it doesnt end there...I'm doing the same thing with my husband. It's wild isn't it...this ridiculous urge to micromanage grief. The rational part of me knows it is impossible...but I find myself still trying to make a plan. I share this in the hopes that others like me know they arent alone...and that it is okay to laugh at how ridiculous our minds can be. Now, excuse me while I go for a walk with the pups and try to anchor myself in the present instead of an imagined future disaster.

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© Marta Musa Artist 2010 - 2020

 

 

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