Introducing Bertha

THE UNIVERSE: Hey Marts. How goes it?

ME: Things are going great!! I am finally where I want to be professionally. My photography is growing by leaps and bounds. We are trying to have a baby. We are finally going to get to go on that long overdue honeymoon. All my important relationships are well cared for.....I feel healthy and happy and life is great!

THE UNIVERSE: That sounds fantastic!

ME: (excited and speaking a mile a minute) Yeah! Guess what I get to do this

upcoming week? They are letting me lead the SEPSIS lecture....whooooot....so stoked I have a power point...and I have this thing I created with sound effects, villains and superheros to explain the inflammatory response and...

THE UNIVERSE: Hang on hang on there Marts....you will have to put that all on hold...

ME: (no longer excited and looking worried) What do you mean put it on hold? I can't...I have spent weeks prepping for this 8 hour lecture...I can't put it on hold!

THE UNIVERSE: Oh I think there is a misunderstanding....I didn't mean the SEPSIS lecture..

ME: Phew thank heavens!

THE UNIVERSE: No....I meant everything.

ME: EVERYTHING....as in everything everything?!?

THE UNIVERSE: Yeah everything.

ME: Like....my work...my photography...the honeymoon...the baby makin...the feeling healthy....But WHY?!?!?

THE UNIVERSE: Well I am sending a house guest to live with you for the next while. And she is going to need your undivided attention?

ME: Ummmm....what house guest?!

THE UNIVERSE: Well...her name is PCS....Post Concussion Syndrome...but she prefers to go by Bertha....she is a little unique...And she requires constant supervision.

ME: Can I take a pass universe?

THE UNIVERSE: No. (Waves over Bertha). Marts meet Bertha.

ME: Hello Bertha

BERTHA: Potato.

THE UNIVERSE: As I was saying...Bertha is unique. She will be moving into the part of you formerly known as your “brain”. She is nothing like your former brain so you will have to be patient with her.

ME: Ummm....what do you mean she is nothing like my former brain?!?

THE UNIVERSE: Oh right...I haven't explained that all yet. Right....you know how you have this amazing brain that is capable of remembering multiple things at the same time, juggling various pieces of information and assigning them value, making connections between different pieces of data to arrive at a correct conclusion, taking complex concepts and boiling them down to the basics... all before you have had your morning coffee....

ME: Yup....

THE UNIVERSE: Yeah....well now you will get off the couch to go somewhere and forget where you are going.....and you will have to wipe your butt twice every time you go to the bathroom because you won't remember if you already did it...you will forget to show up to appointments that you have waited months for....oh right...you won't be able to remember words that you have spoken a million times....you will develop a stutter (a cute stutter).....you will be incapable of problem solving....

ME: Are you kidding me?!?!

THE UNIVERSE: Nope. I don't kid.

BERTHA: (Wanders over and starts twirling my hair) Ohhh... Pretty.

ME: Seriously Universe...can Bertha go stay with someone else?

THE UNIVERSE: Unfortunately no.

ME: Well how long will Bertha be here for?

THE UNIVERSE: I don't know....maybe a week....maybe 3 months...maybe 12 months...maybe forever

ME: Oh sweet heavens....FOREVER!!!

THE UNIVERSE: Just a small likelihood....really...she doesn't always stay forever....more likely she will be gone sooner rather than later.

ME: Well...is there anything I can do to hasten her departure?

THE UNIVERSE: Just relax, don't do anything that will over task her...you know....basically....don't think.

ME: DON'T THINK!! HAVE YOU MET ME UNIVERSE!!! All I do is think.

THE UNIVERSE: It will be a good exercise for you.

ME: Sigh.....fine...I will relax....and try not to think if that is what it takes to get rid of Bertha.

THE UNIVERSE: Excellent.

ME: Well...come along Bertha...we have some thinking to avoid.

THE UNIVERSE: Oh Marts...I forgot to mention something else....not only will there be memory, attention and focus problems but there will be....headaches, noise sensitivity, light sensitivity, and the dozy will be dizziness...not only will she screw up your thinking....you will screw up your balance too....so be prepared for that too....

ME: Fuck my Life!