I have had this heaviness in me for the last week....this feeling of inertia, fatigue and rawness. And I just attributed it to a flare up from one of many life things...maybe it is the anticipatory stress from the upcoming move...or maybe it is the stomach flu I managed to gift myself with....or even the rather epic post-vaccine total body hives I have (yay for a crazy robust immune response). So very many reasons. It is just what it is....I usually acknowledge it, do my self care, and keep on moving on.
That was until this morning. Damned Facebook and its memories. This time last year was when we got confirmation of Fred's aggressive cancer (Fuck Cancer BTW) and he began to deteriorate despite all the treatments. And it hit me like a sack of bricks this morning. That is what this heaviness is all about...not just the daily constant grief of missing Fred.....but the painful reminder of our entire family's desperation to hold on to him in those last few weeks.
I am struggling with this today...a perfectly normal thing....wishing things had been different so I could have him here today. I'd give most anything to have him look meaningfully at my mornkng coffee cup demanding I share. I'd give him the whole cup of I could. But for now all I have is this heavy feeling...and I'm going to make time for it for as long as it needs to be here.