Grief smells different

August 26, 2020

I wanted to thank everyone that reached out to us over the last few days. We really appreciste you. I won't has been excruciating to live through a whole series of firsts without Fred. There is this massive void in our lives. One that feels like it gets bigger with every marker of his absence.


First morning without him, first walk without him, first breakfast without him, first car ride without him, first time you call out to him to come....and realize he isn't coming, first time you reach towards where you think he is only to realize you will never hold/kiss him again...first time you reflexively reach under the table to share a treat, only to remember he isn't there....first time you realize his toys haven't moved in days...first time you catch yourself talking about him in the present tense...the first time you yell out NAP CLUB, and you don't hear him making a mad dash to the bedroom for a cuddle and nap.....first time ...first time...first time.

Worse is the second, third, fourth and fifth times this happens. Worse yet is when you see other family members grieving...Gordon struggling with a new way to be without his heart dog...Carmela confused and depressed because she misses her best buddy...and being unable to fix it all.

Losing him happens in more than our hearts & minds...there is tangible change in the world around us with him now gone. The biggest one I notice is smell....the world smells so different without him here. I don't like it. Everything smells unfamiliar. The blankets smell different...our home doesn't smell like our family when we walk through the door. That comfortable pleasant scent of sunwarmed sweet goofy Dingo pup is gone. Even more startling...but also really funny is Carmela doesn't smell like Carmela anymore. Without her daily pee on the head from Fred (followed by a bath) she smells like a different dog. Those happy, familiar and comforting scents are gone. I find myself sneaking down to the living room multiple times a night to hold his stuffed toys close and inhale....illogically trying to catch just a small trace of him....but it isn't the same.

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