Never Ending Loss and Grief

I’ve always thought when you experience loss…you grieve it with the goal of eventually rebuilding yourself so you can live a life of meaning despite the loss. But what happens when the barrage of loss is endless? What happens when you don’t get a reprieve from loss? What happens when the things you lose are the very meaning of life? .

Recently, my husband and I were advised that our four-year journey to pursue adopting a child has officially come to a permanent end. The social worker and the team at the Ministry felt that my limitations and disability were so profound and disadvantageous as to make me an unfit potential adoptive parent. . I’m still reeling. I don’t have the words to describe how painful …raw …enraged …despondent …hollow …just ..so ..so …uugghhh …I don’t have the words for it. One moment of fucking inattention by a stranger…one moment…and somehow, I’m left holding the bag. Paying the massive price, the universe is demanding in return for this stranger’s inattention. I didn’t get a choice about the price I pay for this frigging car accident…this stupid brain injury….it has taken some of the very best parts of me…it has taken my career and calling…it has taken my abilities….and now…now it is taking the dream of a family. I want to burn someone’s house down, knock someone’s teeth out, rage, cry, scream at everything and anything… but instead I’m trying to figure how to go about grieving yet another loss and trying to recreate the semblance of a meaningful life. All while having absolutely no clue how to go about dealing with this loss. . I have my safety nets in place…my friends, family, medical team…the usual suspects. The dogs have been magical in their own special way. But this doesn’t seem enough. No one gives you a manual on how to “navigate this loss” every time the universe doles one out to you. So I’m going to crowd source some advice…seriously…I’m open to suggestions from anyone at this point. Anyone have any meaningful words of advice? What would you do if this was the hand life dealt you…how would you cope? (…and no…burning houses down and punching teeth out are not valid options) . #BrainInjuryLife