I usually live in humour, laughing at the world around me and strongly believing in the positivity of the universe. Most of my blog posts reflect that joy I try to have in life. It is very rare that I bare my soul and talk about something that would make me vulnerable. But it felt right today.
On our way to a memorial for a wonderful friend's father I kept thinking about how unfair the universe can feel at times. The whole drive out my heart and mind were struggling with the tumult and grief that my friend would be going though over the next while.
I am no stranger to loss having had it visit my life before. And every time it came by, I fought my reaction to it so very very hard that my Loss was filled with considerable pain. When my father passed away I remember being so relieved that his pain and discomfort was over. For some reason that rationale made it unacceptable to me to view his passing as a loss. How can a blessing be a loss? I pretended the loss was not there masking it with false positivity and cheer. Four months after his death the universe become frustrated with my continued refusal to see the truth and decided to wallop me over the side of the head with it's message.
After a long time of hard work and self exploration I learned that loss is not a thing to be denied. Grief is an experience that needs to be lived or it will rear it's head over and over again...usually at the most inopportune times....until you are ready to accept its unwelcome presence and invite it into your life. And once you have made the overture towards Grief and make the time to sit with it...it somehow morphs into a comfortable companion.
In its companionship it reminds you yes that you have indeed lost someone, but that in no way means you have lost the experiences and memories you had with that person. The more Grief reminds you of this, the easier the loss becomes to deal with, and the less often you find yourself sitting with both Grief and Loss.
I hope for my friend that Grief and Loss will be as considerate and caring as they have with me. I hope in time that the pain will dull and the memories will fill that void with joy, laughter and positivity. And as that thought occured to me we drove by the sea on the way to the hall.
I asked Gordon to give me a moment to take the picture of the ocean. Even on the most windy, dark, cold, rainy of days, the sea continued to be beautiful in its own unique way...a gentle reminder from the universe that even in the worst of times life can hold beauty.